Dearest, darling bloggers chaud,
For one dark moment back there as I fought an 18 stone man, bare chested and shiv in hand, for little more than honour and bragging rights, I thought I mightn't make it...
Whimsically enough, it was the thought of you all, waiting, faces illuminated by the pale glow of a computer screen, yet again, barren of a blog update, yet again, you, logging on to my page only to have to settle for sifting through past bloggages for any missed nugget, which could shed light upon the mirk-filled mine shafts that constitute your lives; it was YOU who brought me through.
Needless to say the prison governor was so impressed by the ensuing display of fructal ingenuity that he wasted no time in dispatching his very best carrier pigeon, clutching a note urging the prominent M.P. to whom it was addressed to lobby for my immediate release from the bosom of Her Majesty, on the grounds of displaying (and I quote verbatim) "an almost super-human talent for improvisation with a slice of dried papaya, a skill which should not be shielded from the public for one moment longer".
In the end it was academic, as every last one of the charges was dropped and my immediate release was secured by no less than Princess Andrew herself. I do, however, retain a deep sense of debt towards the govnor and will always remember fondly, the brief hours we spent in her rare dark-wood clad office in the small hours, prior to my release.
Every cloud, my dears, every cloud....
My suffering is your supper so sip the silver-lining soup from my overflowing terrine of prison facts:
1. Prison is a git.
2. Prisoners are measured every hour to ensure compatability.
3. Cake is banned in most prisons, although numerous make shift, improvised "Bakes" are rife (a state of affairs which saved my baking powder on no less than four occasions, although I can't say I'm proud of what I did).
4. Children have their own prisons called Public Schools.
5. All prisoners are required to dance for their food in order to break the will and keep order; the better the choreography, the larger the portion. Officers take a very dim view of contemporary but a good Jazz routine could earn an inmate up to 3 extra bread rolls.
5. At any one moment, 9% of prisoners must hum.
6. Over half of Britain's prisons are made of recycled gym equipment.
7. FIGHTING!
8. Prisoners are required to clean the teeth of the inmate in the next cell three times each Wednesday.
9. A condition know as 'Bird Leg', common amongst long term inmates, renders the victim unable to smell meats on his or her release into "normal society".
10. Prison is like a lung.
11. Over 32%.
12. Inmates refer to people on the 'outside' as: "Uncle Peter's lazy cream".
13. Every new inmate must suffer an almost semi-pleasant initiation rite involving mustard and a carp.
I do sincerely hope that this has opened your eyes to the Shackleton High Seat Chair of an institution that is life on the inside.
But remember my little pumpletts:
Freedom is not Love...
Cash is.
Whimsically enough, it was the thought of you all, waiting, faces illuminated by the pale glow of a computer screen, yet again, barren of a blog update, yet again, you, logging on to my page only to have to settle for sifting through past bloggages for any missed nugget, which could shed light upon the mirk-filled mine shafts that constitute your lives; it was YOU who brought me through.
Needless to say the prison governor was so impressed by the ensuing display of fructal ingenuity that he wasted no time in dispatching his very best carrier pigeon, clutching a note urging the prominent M.P. to whom it was addressed to lobby for my immediate release from the bosom of Her Majesty, on the grounds of displaying (and I quote verbatim) "an almost super-human talent for improvisation with a slice of dried papaya, a skill which should not be shielded from the public for one moment longer".
In the end it was academic, as every last one of the charges was dropped and my immediate release was secured by no less than Princess Andrew herself. I do, however, retain a deep sense of debt towards the govnor and will always remember fondly, the brief hours we spent in her rare dark-wood clad office in the small hours, prior to my release.
Every cloud, my dears, every cloud....
My suffering is your supper so sip the silver-lining soup from my overflowing terrine of prison facts:
1. Prison is a git.
2. Prisoners are measured every hour to ensure compatability.
3. Cake is banned in most prisons, although numerous make shift, improvised "Bakes" are rife (a state of affairs which saved my baking powder on no less than four occasions, although I can't say I'm proud of what I did).
4. Children have their own prisons called Public Schools.
5. All prisoners are required to dance for their food in order to break the will and keep order; the better the choreography, the larger the portion. Officers take a very dim view of contemporary but a good Jazz routine could earn an inmate up to 3 extra bread rolls.
5. At any one moment, 9% of prisoners must hum.
6. Over half of Britain's prisons are made of recycled gym equipment.
7. FIGHTING!
8. Prisoners are required to clean the teeth of the inmate in the next cell three times each Wednesday.
9. A condition know as 'Bird Leg', common amongst long term inmates, renders the victim unable to smell meats on his or her release into "normal society".
10. Prison is like a lung.
11. Over 32%.
12. Inmates refer to people on the 'outside' as: "Uncle Peter's lazy cream".
13. Every new inmate must suffer an almost semi-pleasant initiation rite involving mustard and a carp.
I do sincerely hope that this has opened your eyes to the Shackleton High Seat Chair of an institution that is life on the inside.
But remember my little pumpletts:
Freedom is not Love...
Cash is.
Barbara Gibbons - Plucking the unwanted hair from the Bikini line of life...
