Hot Ice

Well my dear Hot Bloggers,

The lady's not usually for turning but last night with a detailed ordinance survey map of Sunday's blog translated into electrical impulses and crackling on the end of my slender fingers, I was forced to U-turn with all the grace of an ice dancer in second place at the 1984 Olymics...

Bear with me; this tangled skate lace of mixed metaphors is leading me somewhere...

After viewing a harrowing account of the breakdown of one of the greatest love affairs of all time I knew my dip into the lives of some of the lesser know saints could wait. So I bring you:

AN HOMAGE TO SIR JANE TORVILL AND DAME CHRISTOPHER DEAN!
(please excuse my use of capitals, I believe it all rather uncouth and reserve it solely for revelations of only the most extreme magnitude)

As it's 25 painful years since we last took Olympic gold in the pairs category of ice-dancing I've decided to mark the anniversary of possibly the most important event in the history of these isles with a twelvefold fact belch!

So open all the windows and turn the thermostat down low, flood the kitchen, tune the wireless to Bolero FM, don your tightest lycra skimpies, drop to your knees and clutch your laptop like she's Christopher Dean as I fill your tights with ice facts:

6.0 - The iconic, purple costumes worn on that fateful day were actually spun from pure cat hair and held together with dreams.
6.0 - Jane Torvill can't see beef.
6.0 - Christopher's fans call him Deano lovely lumps, king of the hard water .
6.0 - Jane has an uncle who fears the ice and has consequently never seen her dance.
6.0 - Christopher Dean's skates were sharpened with the tears of children, not as much of a problem as you might think when taken into account the propensity for weeping amongst the youths of the 1980s.
6.0 - Both ice magicians discovered that they could understand birdsong from a very early age.
6.0 - A particularly energetic powerslide, performed by Jane Torvill once caused a blizzard in Ghent, Belgium. Three old people were hurt.
6.0 - Torvill and Dean were originally hired to be the stunt doubles to Jon Heder and Will Ferrell in the popular ice dancing documentary Blades of Glory but the deal broke down due to an argument over Winnebago styles.
6.0 - Christopher Dean 4 Jane Torvill.
6.0 - Christopher gorges on bell peppers and readybrek for a week before filming begins on each series on Dancing on Ice.
6.0 - Jane Torvill can skate for over 13 miles before having to reapply mascara.
6.0 - Much speculation was made over the true nature of the relationship between Chrstopher and Jane but I can reveal that they were actually married by accident whilst performing a demonstration show on a frozen tarn, high in the Nepalese Himalayas. As far as I'm aware neither of the frosty sailors have any knowledge of the union so you might like to let them know next time you bump into them down at any Nottingham branch of the budget supermarket - Lidl.

Well I don't know about you my little snow persons but after that I need to wrap myself in a silver blanket, clutch the dog between my thighs and settle down in front of the fire with a nice cup of hot Bovril (invented by James Dean, Christopher's father).

Please do write to me if you need any remedies for ice burns as a result of today's icecapades and remember -

The rapturous applause as you make your victory lap of the rink with flowers raining down around you is not love

- cash is.

Barbara Gibbons - Plucking the unwanted hair from the Bikini line of life...

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